November 10, 2005

Chuck Norris Never Cries

I don't think I have ever posted a list like this, but I can't resist. The myth that is Chuck Norris is something that I'm drawn to, and after reading this list that a friend sent me, you will be too...or else.

My personal favorite is #14. Click on the extended entry portion to view it.

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1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

2. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

4. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

5. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

6. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.

7. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"

8. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

9. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".

10. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.

11. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

13. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

14. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

15. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Comments:

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I think you owe Chuck an apology. "German" is mentioned above and that must mean Nazi and that must mean you are comparing him to a Nazi.

BTW - Did I include my url here?

Posted by: mks at November 10, 2005 12:07 PM

Very nice. :)

Posted by: B at November 10, 2005 01:26 PM

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz steaks in an hour. He had sex with the waitress for the first 45 minutes.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the Devil for his rugged good looks and unmatched fighting ability. After the deal was completed he promptly roundhouse kicked the Devil in the face and took his soul back.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Posted by: ben at November 28, 2005 11:19 PM

Chuck Norris, in a prior life, can be remembered as the man who pissed out the Great Chicago Fire from the kitchen of his home in El Paso, while preparing 12 million kilograms of lobster bisque for the starving orphaned children of dead Civil War soldiers. Chuck Norris was also credited with heel kicking a cancerous tumor off the brain of a child that very same day. The child was later identified as Albert Einstein.

Posted by: jdan at November 29, 2005 01:25 AM