If at first you don’t succeed at Alabama Grill, fry, fry again.

Located in the bowels of Opry Mills Mall, the uber life-sized pencil sketches of each of the four boys in the legendary country band behind the hostess stand were the last straw in the all-out visual assault that is a walk through Shopryland.

Is it me or do you immediately feel like you’ve simultaneously undergone a lobotomy and a leeching not three feet into the Donelson monstrosity?DINING OUTAlabama Grill Between the animatronic wildlife at Rainforest Café, the random beeps and flashes in the walkways and bobbing and weaving to duck oncoming toy helicopters and hovering discs, I get so confused I think I actually may need to purchase a ceramic frog playing a fiddle from a kiosk vendor.

It’s this kind of logic that gets people in trouble at the food court or any other of Opry Mills’ eating establishments — and there are many. How about a bratwurst and Carvel ice cream cone before you climb a faux rock wall at the sports store? Maybe a nice Cinnabon to tide you over during your hydro massage?

No, make that a — that’s right — sir-Bubba-loin from Alabama Grill ($24.99 for one/$$28.99 for two), one and a half pounds of char-grilled steak served with pre-packaged rolls with tasteless tubs of whipped butter, house salad and a potato. Chew that baby down then sit in the screaming chair of terror at Jillian’s and see what comes up.

Let’s call a spade a spade here, shall we? Do we or do we not expect a country music-themed chain restaurant with locations in Pigeon Forge and Myrtle Beach to be anything above over-priced gas station fare with a gift shop? We do not. But that doesn’t mean it’s not fun to talk about it.

If you prefer to point and grunt at the menu instead of ordering — and frankly, who doesn’t? — Alabama Grill’s menu fits your knuckle-dragging needs. It’s not nearly as glamorous as the Denny’s menu but it does have pictures if you like your vittles visual.

Here’s a shocker: The word “fried” appears in title of at least three appetizers in the “great beginnings” section. The fried pickles were the most interesting and even sported a bit of a kick while the fried cheese sticks ($5.99) were lifeless and the shrimp tenders ($7.99) were terminally flatlined.

Onward and upward to the entrees, right? Wrong. Let me just say that broccoli with a cheese sauce is never OK. It’s a sign that things are bad, bad Leroy Brown in the kitchen and they’re not going to be much better when they get to the table. Ditto that on the burgundy mushrooms which you can order as a side or on top of one of the seven ways in which they offer beef. Those things were canned, shriveled and rank with the bite of bad wine.

Unlike the chicken fried chicken ($12.99), which was as big as my head, drowned in gravy, and utterly devoid of flavor, the barbecue pork platter ($13.99), though soggy with sauce, struggled to be savory.

On my return trip, the cool ranch fried chicken sandwich achieved mediocre status, as did the chicken tenders, but what isn’t tasty when soaked in ranch dressing? Then again, this is a place that offers Mountain Dew, nectar of the redneck gods, as a beverage option. Tastebuds wither and die after one swig.

I wish I could say that the memorabilia makes up for the lackluster food, but even that is a disappointment. Where Hard Rock Café and Planet Hollywood have authentic donations, Alabama Grill takes up space — and there’s a lot of space — with album covers and mass produced posters. There are a few specialty items, but once you’ve seen one autographed guitar pick, haven’t you seen them all?

Though tourists wander slowly in and out with their camcorders cocked towards the reddish-orange neon Alabama logo in the center of the restaurant, I get the feeling Alabama Grill is in trouble. They closed down the gift shop, made it temporarily into a coffee shop, then gave up the ghost and left it for lobby seating. Unlike the band, there’s no energy to it, no draw or schtick to encourage return visits. Much like the band, Alabama Grill may be making its own farewell tour. Get your croon on while you can.