Do you get the feeling that the field of choices for mayor is a bit crowded? Are you having trouble picking the right candidate to go to the lightning round run-off? Not to worry. You aren’t the only one. That’s why I decided to put together a handy-dandy guide to the mayor’s race. Using scientific reasoning, I provide facts about the candidates in the race that you won’t see anywhere else.

Let’s get right down to the candidates (in no particular order).

Bob Clement: I don’t have anything against Bob Clement. He’s a pretty good guy if you ask me. If you haven’t heard, he’s got a “detailed written plan” for Nashville. I think it’s on his web site, but after a quick skim, I couldn’t find it. I think it’s in a lockbox. That’s probably where I’d put a “detailed written plan” if I had one.

Karl Dean: His first name is Karl and his campaign color is green. Those could be secret codes for something. That’s about all I know, and I’m not sure those are good things. Nathan Moore voted for him, but Nathan Moore also voted for Bob Corker.

Howard Gentry: Howard Gentry seems like the nicest guy in the group. I think he’d probably make a decent mayor. I can’t really say anything negative about him. Maybe that’s the problem.

Kenneth Eaton:

Buck Dozier: Dozier showed up to the last Bob Pope gun show. I’d probably vote for him just based on that. His MySpace page has him holding a football. You can’t argue against a guy with a football. Seriously.

David Briley: David Briley has probably never held a gun or a football, and he probably wants to take yours away if you have one. All the people that are going to vote for him don’t want you to have guns or footballs either. If I were to compare Briley to a character in literature, to me, it would be Ellsworth Toohey from The Fountain Head. I think he wants to take over the world.

Those are your choices for mayor. But don’t worry if you don’t get the first pick right there will more than likely be a run-off so you’ll get a second chance. Then we’ll get to see ads and campaign signs for a little while longer. I’m sure Nashville can’t wait.